I hope you had a good break. Mine was extended to relish the first conscious Christmas of our two-year-old daughter, and to have some quality family time before school started, so apologies to you for the lengthy silence. I am catching up on all fronts this week. Next week, I will finally set about populating this Substack with lots of deep content, some of it available to free subscribers. Meanwhile, here’s danger word, or actually words, number four…
‘You made me…’
This seemingly harmless phrase is a major hole in the bucket of powerful communication and, indeed, powerful living. Feelings are like internal weather, and it’s a transformative process to accept full responsibility for them, instead of blaming others for them. This breakthrough is at the heart of most paths to enlightenment: rising above being blown about by feelings and thoughts that are caused by other people or events. I’m not talking about suppressing or denying feelings – that way lie illness and sociopathic conditions, as I well remember from making the sound effects for a wonderful TED talk by Jon Ronson called The Psychopath Test. Empathy is an essential element of humanity, and it requires feeling other people’s feelings, or at least relating to them.
What is important is not to give away our power by making other people responsible for our feelings. Even in extremis, when someone is being cruel or hurtful, it pays to be clear that my feelings are generated by me: I am not a victim of you. I may not be able to switch feelings on or off at will, but I can own them. Sometimes, that may mean that I spot that I’m overreacting, possibly due to an old wound or soft spot or maybe it’s my ego back in the driving seat, and I can consciously switch course or moderate my responses. The more responsibility I take, the more consciously I can relate to others.
A more powerful verbal formulation, as taught in many courses on relationships, is: ‘When you did x, I felt y’. You did the deed, I do the feeling. I retain my power and don’t lose myself in blame, or assume the role of a victim.
So watch out for ‘you made me.’ Habitual use indicates that a deeper review of your relationship with feelings might be worthwhile.
Here’s the audio version for paying subscribers… much more content coming next week.
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